The Air Slowly Clears

After some pretty rough weeks I’ve decided to really make some changes going forward and in the immediate – take a long break from social media. This came to light after a near suicidal breakdown that concluded with the following post on my Facebook:

“For those of you that are there to read this I appreciate you and energy. I also know that I don’t know many of you as social media allows us to make connections with new people though suggestions appropriated by algorithms and relationships with other people and in the end I know you little or at all.

I have found myself in the longest and deepest depression I’ve ever experienced. A week or so ago I scouted a location and method for suicide. Knowing how badly that would hurt other people was the only thing that kept me from going through with it. So I don’t think I could ever actually do it because of how much I know other people love and care for me and would be horribly impacted by my decisions. But I do know that my optimism and belief in myself has really diminished to little or nothing at this point and need to seek a way of rebuilding and reimagining who I am in hopes of going forward.

In the past four years, my wife came home one day and told me she didn’t want a life with me anymore, my mother was put in a medically induced coma and never came out – I never even got to say anything to her, and upon telling my last partner – whom I was deeply in love with – that I’d do anything and everything to make our future together possible that she couldn’t do that back. I put my cat of 14 years down because I couldn’t deal with the challenges of his aging, he was my closest friend who never needed anything other than me and I abandoned him.

Every career path I’ve followed was with the intent that I was doing what was right for me. That creating and teaching music was all I needed to do. But every job has ended with dead ends. Every project I put together dies or never lives. The one teaching gig that for the past few years that felt like it was a really important thing that I was really good at has all but evaporated and I just feel like I don’t do anything for anything bigger than me anymore. 

I feel very lucky to make music with who I get to and will always keep what I have going until it goes to the next thing. But the making a living as a musician thing, I just can’t do it anymore. And I don’t know what that means, because it has been who I am for so long.

I know that I am very lucky to do many things that I do and I know I’m not unique. Everyone has hard times. Everyone feels their feels as much as I feel mine. And I know that I’ll still be looking forward to doing what I do get to do. But for the most part the next few months are going to be the beginning of building anew and I don’t know what that means entirely, but I do know it will mean making new habits and shutting old ones down and in some ways that may seem like and look like isolating. 

I have always tried to be kind and open to everyone. Everyone but myself. I am so unable to find self love or self acceptance and self belief.

This will be the last time for a long time that I’m on any social media. But I am here.”

There has been such an outpour of support and constant self-reflection after posting this.   I am still in total fear of my future as I struggle to make a life on my own.

I did however, feel an utterly deep sense of guilt after posting this. I am not trying lay blame on anyone or any single event. I know that I own all of this, that it comes from with me. In John Lennon’s last recorded interview, he says something about being young and feeling like the world is out to get you but as you age you see that while there are things out there that are against you, it’s your own self that you are at odds with and learning to confront that is what’s real.

It is something that I’ve always known but have never been able to conquer. I know I am my own worst enemy. Suffocated by fear. There’s just so much self doubt that I can’t get out of my own way to even be open to what else could come next. And that causes paralysis to be proactive in the now. That often comes out when I play music. Or when I try to write or create something. It’s what keeps me from doing what I know I’m actually capable of.

It’s also what stops me from trying new things or being open to allowing new people into my world.

There’s a side of me that is and has been forever covered by my own self concept. And I feel deep down that the answer is to be fearless and let that side of me out. But I just find more ways to push it further down.

This website will be my only source for internet reaching for a while. So feel free to reach out here if you feel so inclined.